My Mother.

One of the things that has been hardest for me to face has been my mother's death. Hers was not the first death I had encountered but it was definitely the most traumatic. My mother was my best friend and she sheltered me very much throughout my life and as a result I was very dependant upon her. I never got over her death, I don't think we ever get over someone we love dying, but I mean i never stopped grieving. Seven years after her death and I could still be reduced to a bucket of tears at just the thought of her, good or bad. I've learned I need to let go of the pain and embrace the happy times and in doing that I have learned alot more about myself. Amazing how when you let go of some of the pain of the past how much more room you have for love in the present.

My mother died January 9th 2003. This past January 9th I wrote this poem not only in her memory but in an attempt to put to words my commitment to myself to let go of the bad and come to terms with the fact that she has died but I'm still here.

Dear Mom,
How's the afterlife treating you?
Seven years is a long time, yet it's still hard believing anyone could need you more than I do.
Do you finally have the joy you never had on earth?
do you still watch over me like you always did since my birth?
i wish you butterflies and blue skies.
A place where you're no longer in pain and true love never dies.
My heart aches to share with you all the goings on of my life.
Knowing it's your blood pumping warm in my veins helps lessen that strife.
I have my regrets, I'm no stranger to contrition,
but deep down I know you'd release me from my guilt, call it a daughters intuition
I still have my stubborn will you loved so much,
I have used it to self destruct but I am now using it to put my dreams within touch
Seven years ago today I watched the life leave your bodily form.
The will of a higher power, now yours to preform
ashes to ashes, dust to dust
The circle of life goes on, memories the one thing left to restore my hope and trust.
You before me, the order rightfully placed.
Unless I desire total destruction, i must stop feeling so defaced
Love and Love and Love I give thee
I bid you as I hope for myself, a chance to finally be happy and free.
Rest well my angel, I love you.

Irrevocably Yours,
Me.

Judith Ann Fitch
August 26th, 1943 - January 9th, 2003