New Years Eve.

When I originally made the commitment to make a change in my life I had started to post about it on my Facebook wall to my friends, so considering that is where this blog truly should have started I am going to be bringing some of my postings from Facebook to here and trying to fill in any gaps there may be. Forgive me if they are not as polished as they should be. I feel I would be doing a dis-service to myself to change them at this time.

New Years Reso...Insight?Share
Friday, January 1, 2010 at 9:05am | Edit Note | Delete
So I rang in the new year absolutely horribly and as I sit here with an incredibly large headache (probably induced from the incredibly large bottle of rum i consumed?) and can't sleep because of the pain caused by self inflicted stupidity I have had time to think.

The questions I have been asking myself the most are:

Why do I self destruct? Why am I so unhappy? Why can't I get my shit together? Why do I run away from everything that scares me? Why can't I let go of my mother's death?

I think I've come down to the realization that I can't let go of my mother's death because there's not much of anything good to replace it with. There isn't much of anything good in my life because once I get it, I get too scared to hold onto it so I run away. In the process of running away I begin to loathe myself so much that I become completely unhappy and self destruct. I can't get my shit together because I can't face myself long enough to learn who I am.

Obviously the roommate thing was not a good idea for me. Though I will miss having a companion I won't miss the drama, depression and lack of a personal life that it's caused. Deep down I think I only did it because I was incredibly lonely and wanted someone around. Too bad I picked someone that was equally as depressed, lazy, unmotivated in life, and so self centered he couldn't see past himself to care about anyone else. At least this is something that will be fixed by march.

I spend as little time in the mirror as absolutely possible because I can't stand to look at myself. I feel incredibly fat and everytime I look at myself I don't see the me I feel when I am not looking in a mirror. I have decided to make a commitment to myself to work on making the two match for the better. I am blessed to have two friends that have gym memberships that allow an extra guest to come with them when they go so until March when I will be able to afford my own I will be taking you both up on the offers to go with you.

I HATE my job. I can't even begin to describe to you how much I HATE my job. but I'm so afraid of going after something I want that I stay and I am unsatisfide which leads to more depression and unhappiness. I tell myself I stay at pinetree because I make good money there...yet because I hate the job so much I barely go to work thus lowering my income dramatically. My dream for many years now has been to design websites for bands. I have been thinking heavily about going back to school for web design and I do feel this will be a decision that although it terrifies me, I will finally follow through with.

Friendships. To me friendships have always been difficult to hold onto. I am miserable in my life and I try so hard to find something to hold onto that I become to clingy. I need to learn to let go and let others come to me when and if they chose to do so and if they don't...then oh well and to not give people so much power to hurt me.

Lewiston. I can't STAND this ghetto ass piece of shit town. It's a depression in and of itself. In March when I have my new car I intend to start looking for a small comfortable apartment in a new area that I feel I might be more comfortable in. I may have to travel in for work for a while until I can find something new but until then I'll be fine.

Drinking. More and more I have decidedly started to hate going out, hate drinking all the time, hate having alcohol being a constant around my house and in my life. As a result of that I drink because I want to go out with my friends...but then I just become an unhappy drunk because I feel as though I am drinking just to maintain friendships and to be able to deal with a drunk roommate. "going out" should be just that. It should feel special it shouldn't feel like you just moved the big house party to the bar.

I'd like to say I've decided I won't be drinking anymore but knowing that my roommate for the next couple months is still going to be having parties at my house and getting wasted every weekend and if I'm sober I wanna kill him. I'll probably end up drinking, but once I have a place of my own and I don't have to worry about these things I have decided to put up the going out and leave it for a special occasions. If my friends miss me they will come see me or invite me to do something other than drinking with them and if they don't...well I guess we weren't very good friends were we?

I also feel the need to make a commitment to myself in the manner of my health. I have not dealt with my mothers death and there is still so much about just coping that I have not begun to understand in life that i now know I should be going to see a councelor and I am going to make that happen.

I've never felt like i've deserved anything beyond pain because it's all i've ever truly felt but I do feel that this year is the year that I can teach myself that maybe that's not all that there is.

I know that some of my goals won't be accomplished within this year...I know that some can't be accomplished right away. But I don't consider this a resolution after all. I consider it a commitment to bettering myself and making my life better. Be the person I want to be and not the person I feel I have to be...because we all know how well that's worked out...